Choosing a Mindful Death

Let’s talk about dying. 

We always hear about battles lost to cancer or other horrific nightmares spent in emergency departments or oncology offices looking for weaponry when we are missing the opportunity present in a mindful death.  It isn’t about losing the battle; it’s about choosing a different path.

Someday it might be you, or a loved one sitting in a hospital bed getting the news that all the things have been tried. What happens then? 

An opportunity for a mindful death. 

What does that mean? 

Many clients will have a team by this point. A trusted doctor, perhaps a hospice with a nurse that comes once a week, and perhaps a friend or a relative that comes by or lives in the home. That would be ideal. Mostly it’s a crew that is thrown together last minute or it falls on the shoulders of a female relative. Some find themselves alone in assisted living situations being cared for by a staff. 

What does a Death Doula or End of Life Doula provide? 

A Doula is an old concept of community caring for community. Doulas have supported the ill and dying for centuries. The concept crosses cultures from the death houses in India supervised by Mother Theresa to the homes in Appalachia where deep roots surround those leaving this world. Today Doulas provide a calming presence. A Doula assists in difficult conversations, explores options for care, and holds space for feelings, emotions and questions that come with the journey. Dying is complicated and overwhelming. Death Doulas bring quiet comfort, assist in focusing on the moment, and add meaning and support to end-of-life experiences for all family members including the caregivers.

As a Doula, I have done small household chores – assisted in making my client comfortable, maybe sat with a client while a caregiver had a shower or an appointment outside the home, or made a cup of tea for the family and answered questions. It depends on what is needed in the moment.  I also search for resources or services that make life easier for the family.  This could include an in home massage person, or a dog walker, perhaps a meal service, or developing a support calendar. It always depends on the family and their goals. 

What about dying?

All this IS about dying. The path of dying is active and ever changing. However, some things are predictable.

It is predictable that your loved one will sleep more. This will increase in hours until they seem to sleep all the time.

After a while, the body won’t need food or drink anymore and cravings will stop. That’s when a Doula or your hospice nurse can teach about comfort measures to protect skin and provide comfort care.

Sometimes, there’s a rally. Rallies are wonderful! Clients sometimes get up and have a meal and are very social, remembering things and having conversations they haven’t been able to have for weeks. The medical term is ‘terminal lucidity’.  It’s important to understand that this rally isn’t a change in progression, it’s a time to have important conversations and say meaningful things with loved ones and friends. Doula’s can assist in making sure rallies are not wasted but, become moments to be celebrated and treasured. 

As your loved one becomes quieter and sleeps more, they appear to spend more time in ‘other places’ and may respond to things we cannot see or hear. This also crosses cultures as loved ones who have passed away before, come to visit or take our loved ones ‘home’. It’s tempting to try and orient our loved ones to time and place, however, it can be far more rewarding to let them find peace in these visits.

And during all of this, the Doula is there for the family, the treatment team, and the caregivers. Doula’s care for all involved within the capacity of their role. 

Some doulas can provide specialized services including ceremony planning, assisting in obtaining documentation or completing documentation, and other small assists in addressing  details for our families.

While dying is in the future for everyone of us, no one has to face it alone or unprepared. Nobody wants that.

Life changes quickly. JBrantley.com is here to help you navigate those moments and to jump with you. Book an appointment today.